The Lighter Side

A husband takes the wife dancing.

There's a guy on the dance floor doing it all - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

You are galloping along.

There's a big drop to your left.

An elephant is on your right keeping pace with you.

There's a kangaroo in front of you so you can't pass him.

And there is a lion behind you.

What do you do???

Get your drunk butt off the carousel!

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He
says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination, and
it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.' He never knew what hit him.

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniel's, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK," I said, "Then, I don't want to die until after Congress gets its head out of its butt!"

"You are crafty," said the fairy.

I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help.

His wife told him to go out and buy some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

Can any of you help him?

My lawyer looked different to me some how.

"You cut your hair?" I says

"No." He says. "I took some viagra today."

"Oh." says I. "Thats why you are 4 inches taller."