A few Words about tools.......

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Post by Damn-it Don on Tue Aug 24, 2010 8:04 pm

    Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beverage across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ’ “insert your favorite curse word”!’

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing projects.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms in the process.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

(“Insert your favorite curse word”) TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, “(Insert your favorite curse word)”! ’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need
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Post by Bugman114 on Tue Aug 24, 2010 8:23 pm

UTILITY KNIFE: also used for initiating trips to the emergency room.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: also see "PRY BAR"

HACKSAW: the nemisis of all purists

(“Insert your favorite curse word”) TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, “(Insert your favorite curse word)”! ’ at the top of your lungs. Immediately after, the consuption of many alcoholic beverages commenses.
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Post by 67vdub on Tue Aug 24, 2010 8:56 pm

Funny!!!!!!!
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Post by Grifspop on Tue Aug 24, 2010 9:42 pm

Sledge Hammer- Used to darken fingernails on opposing hand
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Post by ASBug on Tue Aug 24, 2010 9:46 pm

A tool is basically any device that allows one to use various laws of Physics to seriously injur ones self.
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Post by VW12step on Wed Aug 25, 2010 5:25 am

That, my friends, is why I use Craftsman. Because when you get pissed at a socket wrench because YOU stripped a bolt with it and slam it full force into concrete...they'll take it back and give you a new one to abuse. Laughing
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Post by DOODLE BUGG on Wed Aug 25, 2010 8:23 am

EASY OUT: invented by a machine shop to brake so you will just get pissed off and take the part to them to get out a broken bolt and now easy out
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Post by Grifspop on Wed Aug 25, 2010 9:20 am

VW12step wrote:That, my friends, is why I use Craftsman. Because when you get pissed at a socket wrench because YOU stripped a bolt with it and slam it full force into concrete...they'll take it back and give you a new one to abuse. Laughing

That's why I use Snap On, it will take off the stripped bolt that the Craftsman won't Very Happy
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Post by Bugman114 on Wed Aug 25, 2010 9:49 am

BOLT EXTRACTORS: Used to drill a hole thru the center of a broken bolt, and in the end achiveing nothing.

13MM WRENCH: A wrench that missing from every VW owners et, because they lost it

10MM WRENCH: See "13mm wrench"

Swivel: An evil device used to piss off mechanics at every turn

SOCKET WRENCH EXTENSIONS: Used when your too lazy to remove the parts above the part your replacing
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Post by VW12step on Wed Aug 25, 2010 11:55 am

A few Words about tools....... Craftsman-1470-pc-tool-set

"You will be mine, oh yes, you will be mine..."
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Post by DOODLE BUGG on Wed Aug 25, 2010 4:29 pm

VW12step wrote:A few Words about tools....... Craftsman-1470-pc-tool-set

"You will be mine, oh yes, you will be mine..."
so preaty
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Post by Bugman114 on Wed Aug 25, 2010 6:41 pm

i prolly have half of that......... cept most of them say "made in china" lol!
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Post by Clyde on Thu Aug 26, 2010 10:38 pm

How about the useless junk they market to our wives every Christmas:
Craftsman's Metr-inch wrenches (fits both inch and metric!)
Or the crescent wrench with vernier markings on it, so you can measure stuff with it?
Or those sockets with a ton of pins in them, that are supposed to fit anything?

It's shameful what they come up with.
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Post by Bugman114 on Fri Aug 27, 2010 9:23 pm

i bought this tool at a yardsale once for $2. its a racthed looking handle thing (picture a socket wrench, but with scissor handles, and when squeezed, the ratchet turns, but instad of a socket drive, there is a 15mm hex hole on the end) its like a foot long and 1.5 inches wide, and you can fit different sized hex inserts, that makes the hex smaller, in both metric and inch sizes. just squeeze the handle, and it rachets. comes in pretty handy, especially in areas you can't twist a wrench. just spal it on, and pull the handle, and it comes right off.

anyhoo, it was one of those tools, i thought it was gonna be one of those stupid, "prolly never gonna work" tools, but it has proved me wrong on many occasions, lol







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